Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Domino Effect

Two of my kids have been struck down with a mild flu virus. They have been too ill to go to school, and have spent the last couple of days wafting around the house like tragic laudanum-soaked characters from a Victorian novel. It started me wondering what the collective noun for slightly ill children is. A wheedle? A wilting? A drape?
Part of me was tempted just to sit them in front of the all-powerful TV, simply to get them out of my hair for the day, but since they would view this as the ultimate treat, I know I would never be able to get them back into school for the rest of the year.
I thought about descending on them like one of those mad-eyed women who threaten their children in high, sinister voices that 'we're going to have some fun now, aren't we?' But after so many years of maternal neglect, I'm not sure they would have coped with the sudden overdose of attention - it would probably have brought us all out in a rash.
I tried suggesting brightly that they do something 'educational' but they treated that suggestion with the contempt it deserved, by simply staring at me with their rheumy eyes until I went away.
In the end, I (rather conveniently) decided to let them get bored senseless, so that they would be clamouring to be allowed back into school tomorrow. Unfortunately most reality TV isn't on until the evening, and there are no politicians pontificating during the daytime schedules either, so we had to look for our tedium elsewhere.
Prolonged staring at the wall did the trick, but resulted in them falling asleep for most of the afternoon, so just before bedtime they were fully recovered and bouncing off the walls.
It was at that point that I finally turned to drugs - for them, not me, although a crafty swig from the Night Nurse bottle wouldn't have gone amiss. Putting my trust once again in St Calpol (the patron saint of a good night's sleep), I am praying that they will both be crashed out for the whole night - or more importantly, that they won't wake me up every couple of hours.
I thought about having a hot toddy myself this evening, as a preventative measure of course, but they usually cause me to sweat like a pig, and I don't want to wake up thinking I have somehow slipped into the menopause overnight. So instead, I have opted for milder medication in the form of a glass of Oyster Bay Chardonnay (Ocado £6.39 down from £7.99 until 3/7). It is fresh and subtly oaked, and it's having a wonderfully relaxing effect on me.
Unfortunately, I am also realising that even if both children are back in school tomorrow, the third is probably just about to come down with the same illness.
I think I am going to need more medication.

16 comments:

Frog in the Field said...

Dear Drunk Mummy,
I get cabin fever within a few days of the children being ill. Once on e goes down with something I know I'm housebound for at least a week, thank God for the internet!
We've become quite enamoured with Stowford Press medium sweet Cider, makes us sleep rather better than the odd nip of Piriton.
I love your Sunday Lunch, you make me feel so much better, my home looks like a whirlwind has been through it within hours of my cleaner going home! I think we all do exactly the same thing when people come for dinner, wait until the last hour, scream at the children, screach upstairs with 5 minutes to spare and then appear all perfect, happy family, butter wouldn't melt in our mouths!

Elsie Button said...

i used to swig from the night nurse bottle regularly - it was a really effective way of getting to sleep when living on a really busy road in london. my friends did have real concerns though - i was addicted. have managed to wean myself off now though, now i live in the valleys

mutterings and meanderings said...

Oh no!

At last it wasn't gripe water you had a fancy for --- apparently that's stuffed with alcohol.

Hope you don't get virused ...

Stay at home dad said...

Never mind dinner, FrogITF, that's the scene minutes before my wife gets home in the evening...

I think Pig in the kitchen might have something to say about your sweating simile DM. Nevertheless, I love the collective nouns. A whine of kids will do just fine.

Pig in the Kitchen said...

oh, poor loves, if they fell asleep on the sofa, they must be ill? hope they - and you - are feeling better. I like it if ALL of mine are ill and then the school run can be cancelled, but hate having to drag ailing ones around. NOt that it's all about me and my needs or anything...

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Humph, SAHD is right, i lightly glow. No sweating for me, or my floaty dress might stick to the backs of my thighs and reveal vast swathes of censored flesh.
(I was a bit slow on the uptake there SAHD, it is a bit late)

lady macleod said...

set up the bar now, the best form of preventive medicine. there, there my dear all will be better... later.

expatmum said...

Re Pig in the kitchen's reference to floaty nightgowns - I was wearing one the other night, (sadly a cheesecloth affair rather than anything sexy). My eldest, a rather sarcastic early teen, came into my room asking for some medication. I bent over to the drawer in the bathroom where it is kept and her comment was, "That's a sight I never want to see again". It's now in the bin and I am back in my cotton jim-jams.

The Good Woman said...

Reminds me of an Alpha Mum I once met who referred to Calpol as 'baby whisky'. Starting 'em young Drunk Mummy!

Akelamalu said...

Stick with the wine, best medicine going!

DJ Kirkby said...

My votes goes on 'a wheedle'.

Drunk Mummy said...

frog in the field - I love cider too, despite its unfortunate image in this country as something you drink out of the can, or with a paper bag wrapped around it. I'll have to give your recommendation a try!

elsie - yes, the Night Nurse does have that curious green allure - like creme de menthe (tastes as vile too!)

M&M - yes, I seem to remember a scandal when I was younger about mothers getting hooked on gripe water! Can you imagine the belching?
I seem to be virus free at the moment (unlike my computer).

SAHD - you go through that tidying up stuff every day? It would kill me.
I'm sure the fragrant Pig would not have taken any offence at all - if you hadn't stirred things up!

Pig - there is something rather liberating about being able to cancel everything.
I think SAHD is trying to cause mischief!

lady macleod - I agree, and even if it doesn't actually make me better, at least I won't care as much!

expatmum - oh the heartlessness of youth!

good woman - ha! Baby Whisky - I love it!
Its strange, because around here it's the Alpha Mums who eschew the instant chemical healing powers of Calpol. It seems they prefer to poison their little darlings more slowly with natural substances like nettles or foxgloves. Either that, or they get the nanny up in the middle of the night to administer cold compresses.

akelamalu - I'll drink to that!

Drunk Mummy said...

dj kirkby - I think the possible list is endless!

beta mum said...

I use nurofen - it lasts for six hours rather then 4, which makes for a better night's sleep when there's a child with a temperature in the house.

Omega Mum said...

It's a whinge of children. And if it isn't, it should be.....

jenny said...

I dont dare comment.. I dont want to jinx my children... Hope you and they, fell beter soon!