Monday, 11 June 2007

Press 'Pause'

I am beginning to suspect that H may be on the verge of a mid-life crisis.

He would not be the only male I know to succumb. For starters, I have lost count of the depressing tales of family men being caught with their pants down recently. It seems they are frequently drawn to someone who looks remarkably like their own wife, but without the slippers or the post-pregnancy paunch.

Then, at a party this weekend, a lawyer friend announced that he needed to ‘find his true identity’ and was therefore about to chuck in his lucrative but soul-destroying job for something more fulfilling. As everyone clustered around to applaud his brave decision, I couldn’t help noticing his shell-shocked wife in the background, nodding enthusiastically and smiling through gritted teeth. For her 45th birthday present, she had been handed the role of sole breadwinner, rather than the pedicure voucher she was hoping for.

I suppose with drastic behaviour like this, I should be relieved that H’s particular obsession is fairly benign. Our finances preclude the purchase of that typical symbol of mid-life crisis - a ‘male meno-Porsche’ so instead he has bought a pair of in-line skates.

To be fair, as well as being an all round Boy Scout, H has always been a good skater – a sort of Ray Mears on wheels. He used to rollerblade to work when he was young and carefree, and was therefore a frequent recipient of abuse from motorists, cyclists and pedestrians alike.

However this weekend, he returned from a skating trip with more of a glow than usual. Apparently, a car full of teenage girls had beeped their car horn and waved at him as he skated along. All fairly innocent, you might think, but no - he has been down at the gym this morning, clearly convinced that his body is now a temple at which young women will come and worship. Bless!

More worryingly, he has declared his intention to abstain from drinking wine. Surely such self-delusion has its limits? Clearly some action needs to be taken to avoid irreparable damage to our marriage. Therefore, in an attempt to lure him once again with my oenophile charms, I have uncorked a Tesco Finest Beyers Truter Pinotage (£7.99). I am certain that the spicy blackberry flavour will convince him of the error of his ways. How could he fail to realise that a lithe limbed lovely offering him a swig of her alcopop cannot compare with the delights of drinking decent red wine? Even if it does mean sharing it with a woman whose teeth are gradually turning blue.

15 comments:

Pig in the Kitchen said...

He should watch out, one slip and he'll need a new hip...

You are a wise woman to lure him with your feminine wiles!
Pigx
(Hey, i got to comment first, i win!)

mutterings and meanderings said...

Oh no ... he'll become 'non-drunk daddy', and that'll never do!

dulwichmum said...

How very dare they? They should find satisfaction in providing for their families.

My husband thinks he is retiring this year - he is wrong. We must meet and formulate a plan!

DJ Kirkby said...

Meno-Porsche! lolololololol! Nearly fell off my chair!

Stay at home dad said...

I recognize nothing of this!

Give them a bit of childcare to do and they'll be straight back to work...

debio said...

Could this disenchanted lawyer ever have conceivably thought that lawyer-ing would be fulfilling? Had he no imagination? Bet it has fulfilled his bank account up to now; let's hope his wife is sooo thrilled with his idea to find himself.

Akelamalu said...

If he's off wine throw the skates in the bin!

PS I've tagged you, hope you don't mind, please check out my blog for details. :)

DevonLife said...

Have just discovered you - ahh another drunken mother. Have always thought men on skates rather ridiculous (no offence), I think the whole Starlight Express thing is still too fresh in my mind from a 1980s school trip.

Natural Blonde said...

The no wine thing..will not last..it never does. Do not be concerned.

I too need to find my true identity, but am fearlful of the look of betrayal that I will get from my dog as he looks up at me in horror.

When I work from home I find that I just get in the way of his sleeping habits!

rilly super said...

oh gawd, you have filled me with forboding with this skating story drunkmummy. Who knows what I have in store, sigh. Please tell me that no lycra was involved....

Peter May - The Pinotage Club said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Omega Mum said...

Find him an engrossing hobby that takes him away from women. A very, very large jigsaw. I'd recommend building a teeny tiny dungeon as well, just in case. Very funny. LOL, as they say.

rilly super said...

PS, (oh dear, I fear this may qualify as spam) still time for two votes in the blogpower awareds, one today and one tomorrow...

Drunk Mummy said...

Pig - you are so right! Bet the girls in the car wouldn't be beeping their horns at someone on crutches!

M&M - it could have been the end of our marriage. Happily, he couldn't resist the Pinotage.

Dulwich Mum - I agree. It sounds like James might be going through the same thing?

dj kirkby - those Porsche driving wrinklies really are a cliche, don't you think?

SAHD - you are so right. I do wonder how our ex-lawyer friend will get on with harsh reality!

debio - you have hit the nail on the head (I think his wife was tempted to do something similar).

akelamalu - that sounds like a good exchange to me.
Do you mind very much if I don't 'tag' along? I only did it last week! I haven't got anything else remotely interesting to reveal about myself. I liked your facts about Heywood though.

Hello devonlife!
Secretly, I agree with you, but then the whole male mid-life crisis thing seems rather ridiculous too.

natural blonde - it didn't last beyond dinner, the pinotage saw to that!
At least your dog will not be expected to pay your bills on his own.

rilly - no, no lycra was involved - we should be thankful for small mercies.

omega mum - I think the skating may well 'hoist him by his own petard' as they say. One prat fall, and his dignity will be in shreds.

rilly - now calm down dear. Any more of this shameless self-promotion, and I'm going to charge you advertising space!

Akelamalu said...

No problem, it's hard keeping up with tags, that's why I cheated!